Sex as self harm (trigger warning)

I like sex, it makes me happy when it’s with the right person or people.  I also self harm by cutting, or receiving bruises or many other things, although cutting is my go to, or it used to be.  I stopped years ago.

Sometimes I use sex to self harm.  So the reason I said in the beginning that I like sex and it makes me happy, is that this is different, this is not the sex that makes me happy this is a different thing.  Sometimes I will fuck people who I know will physically hurt me.  I don’t mean BDSM.  I mean self harm.  BDSM is a much healthier (to me, and in my opinion) release, but I am not at a point where I feel safe doing that, even though what I do isn’t really safe either.

I’m bringing this up partially because I think it’s important that we all realize that we can be sexually healthy and unhealthy in the same lifetime.  Just as conflating sex work with trafficking is false, ignoring that trafficked people can do sex work is also silly.  It’s not as simple as this and that.  There is always overlap when it comes to humans. So while I have sexual abuse and rape in my past, I can still have healthy sex in my work and it doesn’t “damage” me further.  I can also have a decent client and it can cause some emotional damage because of my own issues, no fault of theirs.  It’s fluid, the trauma response is never gone and also not fully there.

So, sometimes I seek out something to hurt myself.  It’s not entirely like cutting because it doesn’t help me escape in the same way, it’s like a different kind of feeling.  It’s not healthy for me, but I feel a little addicted to it like a bad partner.  I don’t blame these people for abusing me because I seek it out, however I do fear that they would do this to someone else without consent.  But maybe I’m the only one who puts up with it.  Maybe the other women stop them.

Sex positivity taught me that there is a way to enjoy being hurt, in a healthy way, and not feel bad about it.  BDSM, healthy, consensual.  It is an ongoing process.  This shit doesn’t just go away because I realized that I don’t have to feel bad about everything, I have this drilled into my brain and it’s how I am, how I react.  I have to practice enjoying, I have to practice not feeling guilty.  When I am in a healthy place and able to stop feeling like I need the unhealthy abusive sex, I can enjoy a healthy consensual act that might result in the same physical bruises, but actually heals my mind rather than makes it worse.  These moments come and go, and don’t last long, but it was only a few years ago I even realized this was possible.  Before I just felt bad that I couldn’t get off on loving tender sex.  I thought I was some how a horrible person.

I still seek out dangerous situations sometimes.  It’s like I’m empty and I need something to make it better.  I tried partners, but they never worked out, and self harm is the only thing that kind of numbs the empty feeling even if it’s only temporary.  I know that I need to learn to be happy with myself, but that is a process that’s taking longer than I would wish.  Work helps.  Sex helps.  Temporarily.  Trying to find that healthy cycle that will eliminate my need for self harm.  I will get there.